Why write?

That question in the title is precisely what’s in my mind right now as I type these words. I know, the title should be the last part of a text to be conceived (at least that’s what I was taught in school) but I’m basically just writting my thoughts as they come to my head.

Well, where to start? Before anything, I should state that English is not my native language so I apologize in advance if my sentence constructions sound too archaic, too formal or if they are just plain wrong. This is my first time writing on Medium, I don’t know if they run a grammar check before posting the text (probably not, right?). Also I was never a great writer even in my native language. So, you have been warned.

I’m an engineer pursuing a Doctoral degree while working in a consulting firm. Numbers have been a huge part of my life for the last 10 plus years and it’s crazy to think that this life path was mainly “decided” by a 16 years old me thinking “I’m good in math and physics so I should probably become an engineer”. Now, as a 28 year old adult who is 2 years away from getting his Doctorate degree (God willing), I’m questioning my life choices (how cliché, I know). To be fair, I have questioned my choices before, the difference is that now I’m writing about them publicly.

The fact is: as much as I like math, I don’t spend my free time reading about non-linear optimization, positive definite matrices, calculus of variations etc etc. Music is the thing that I could spend my whole day reading, talking or writing about. “Well, why haven’t you tried any of those music-related things then?”, you might be thinking. I’ve tried writing about music for quite some time now. I’ve had two blogs (“No Such Music” and “Tudo no Shuffle” - translated as “Shuffle All”), both are still online, I think. I also wrote articles for whiplash.net, which is the largest Brazilian site about heavy metal/hard rock, and created a facebook and a instagram page to talk about bands and records I like.

Comments on my “under the radar releases” articles for Whiplash.net were always “Rubbish”, “I hope those albums stay under the radar”, and things like that. My article honoring the late Chris Cornell was a heart-warming outlier while an article I wrote about the Rolling Stone list of 100 greatest metal albums of all time was smashed in the comment section after I referred to the magazine as Rolling Stones (honest mistake).

My perception from those experiences is that when I’m writting for a bigger audience (as in whiplash), the reception is hostile and when writting for a small audience (facebook and instagram pages), the reception is minimal. Either way, I felt discouraged and eventually stopped writing. People say that we shouldn’t be bothered by other people’s reaction (or lack of it) and keep doing things because we love doing them, not because we’re looking for some kind of acceptance or recognition. I agree with these but find it hard to apply in my life. In the end, I think (I) we need some kind of a minimum external encouragement to feel somewhat fulfilled. Am I wrong for feeling like this? Probably but it’s a work in progress.

This medium account (is that how people call this?) is my latest attempt at writing. Here I’ll try to mix my passion for music with my mundane thoughts and my mundane life, something I’ve never tried before.

Till next time.

This text was written while listening to “Utakata No Hibi” by Mariah, one of my favorite recent discoveries. If you’re into new wave, chill electronic music or ambient music with oriental touches, you’re in for a treat.